3 Things.
Thing 1- Moving across the country has presented more challenges that I imagined it would.
Thing 2- I am super- like, crying several times a day- messy.
Thing 3- I'm ok with all of that.
Not sure why I thought that packing up our home and moving to Florida was going to be all gum drops and pony rides, because I definitely thought that, and it definitely hasn't been. Yup, theres thing number 1. Imagine me- cape, mountain top, wind blowing, hands on hips... super woman. Thats the image I have of myself when faced with a challenge. Whats real? Me- yoga pants, tears, spontaneous bursts of LOUD laughter, hands in the wrapper of a chocolate bar, thinking of (literally) one million things to write down so I remember them...
The challenges are in the tiny things. Those everyday- regular life- moments. Where's the litter box gonna go? Who's gonna park in the garage? Whats my address again? Wait, who are you? (I know, this is the 3rd time we've met... sorry). Oh, and that other small piece of the puzzle... my own set of expectations that, duh, everyone is super clear about........
Sarcasm aside- shits getting real. It was easy for me to imagine and, yes, even coach other people around what it means to UNlearn the things we think we know. To be open and create some space in life for new things to take shape. To be ok with not having any answers to the questions that we try to prepare for. Then real life starts to happen.
Insert thing 2. Messiness. This is actually something I am grateful for. A quality that takes more practice than it would seem. Being ok with crying in front of strangers and talking through the mess that is my brain-space right now- it doesn't exactly come as a default mode of being for me. Yet, I cant imagine what it would feel like to hold it all in and MAN the people I've met here have been great to me. They listen. I cry. They pass the tissue. I laugh LOUDLY. Then I cry harder. And then, when its all out, something magical happens- my mind becomes quiet.
Thats when thing 3 surfaces. In that small fraction of a second of internal silence I remember who I am and why I am here. And as few and far between as those moments are right now- thats how I know that Im exactly where I need to be. What follows the silence is more internal chatter. Fast, fleeting, ferocious. Yet, in the moments right after the silence, the chatter is significantly less judgmental. Its more open. More aware. More encouraging.
The cycle of these three things repeats several times a day and without warning. Its the only routine I've developed in this new place. Challenge, mess, silence.
If you are reading this- you have been witness to part of the wake after the silence.
xo,
Brandie
